Monthly Archives: July 2009

Friday errands

I had a busy morning, my last weekday of vacation!

Chris MacLellan, the new Gateway Men’s Chorus president, and I were to meet for breakfast at MoKaBe’s.  Chris called a few minutes before 9 with news that he discovered his car broken into.  So no breakfast for us.

I went to MoKaBe’s anyway and read the New York Times.

Home Depot beckoned for some barbecue accessories.

I went from there to the Soulard Farmer’s Market, where I purchased squash, peaches, pork ribs and ground beef, red pepper.  Ribs, squash, and potatoes are all going on the grill this evening.

Since I didn’t find any small cucumbers, I headed up to Produce Row, where Heimos sold me a bushel of pickling cucumbers for $33.85.  I have a lot of work to do now.  Before this over, there’ll be at least two dozen quarts of lime pickles put up!

The florist shop was my last stop.  I brought home Gerber daisies, sunflowers, and more today.  Each first-floor room now has a bouquet of fresh flowers.  My office and bedroom do too.

How to shower

How To Shower Like A Woman

1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning cause
there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below
33 degrees.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If
you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately,
ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut
so that you can complain and whine even more about how you’re getting
fat.

4. Turn on the hot water only.

5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.

6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.

7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins

8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.

9. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.

10. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced
with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
until red raw.

12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash

13. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has
once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as
you must make sure that it has all come off).

15. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can’t be bothered,
and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.

16. Slick hair back and pretend you’re like Bo Derek in 10.

17. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of
cold water.

18. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country

20. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with
nails/tweezers if found.

21. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

22. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh
immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bedroom.

How To Shower Like A Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile on the floor.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way,
flash her making the “woo” sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if
you have pecs. (no)

4. Turn on the water, not too hot.

5. Check for pecs again. (no)

6. Get in the shower.

7. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth. (you don’t use one)

8. Wash your face

9. Wash your armpits

10. Wash your private and surrounding area

11. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.

12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

15. Pee (in the shower)

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.

17. Partially dry off.

18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.

19. Turn sideways, and flex muscles again.

20. Leave shower curtain open, wet bathmat on floor.

21. Leave bathroom and fan light on.

22. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your wife, flash her
making the “woo” sound.

23. Leave wet towel on bedroom floor.

24. Fart.

Back to humor

Back to home page

Relief

At about 10 p.m. last night I experienced a magnificent and completely unfamiliar sense of freedom.

I love my jobs.

But I also love my down time.

As of 10 p.m., Wednesday, July 29, I find myself with a grand total of three consecutive weeks with no evening commitments of any kind.  No place I must be.  No meeting to attend.  No commitment to honor.

This is the first time since last summer that I’ve had 21 consecutive days without an evening obligation.  While my vacation is over on Monday, I’m cherishing this knowledge that I have so many nights in a row that are mine and mine alone.

The sensation of freedom last evening was almost physical, palpable.  It certainly was gratifying!

Anglo-Catholics

A Tribute to Anglo-Catholics
(Tune: The Church’s One Foundation)

Our church is mighty spikey
with smells and bells and chants,
And Palestrina masses
that vex the Protestants.
O happy ones and holy
who fall upon their knees
For solemn Benediction
And mid-week Rosaries.

Though with a scornful wonder
men see our clergy, dressed
In rich brocaded vestments
as slowly they process;
Yet saints their watch are keeping
lest souls be set alight
Not by the Holy Spirit, but
incense taking flight.

Now we on earth have union
with Lambeth, not with Rome,
Although the wags and cynics
may question our true home;
But folk masses and bingo
can’t possibly depose
The works of Byrd and Tallis,
or Cranmer’s stately prose.

(Here shall the organist modulate)

So let the organ thunder,
sound fanfares “en chamade;”
Rejoice! For we are treading
where many saints have trod;
Let peals ring from the spire,
sing descants to high C,
Just don’t let your elation
Disrupt the liturgy.

Shiatsu

At the recommendation of Lisa in my Dean’s office, I purchased recently a HoMedics shiatsu pillow.

This little gadget shifts tension to joy, tightness to delirium.  I’m in heaven when I put this pillow between me and the back of the easy chair, and then turn it on.  My neck is singing praises, and my shoulders are beyond bliss.

If I were you, I’d high my hiney to the store and buy one too, then use it liberally.